My Life defined by the men who come into it. As I was in the shower washing up after sweating balls for the last 6 days, I've had to really wonder, why would I move to Florida? The weather we've had may be a taste of what is to come, but why Florida? Why now? What do I think I will actually find there? I don't do things like move just because. I always have a reason, whether I voice it or not. Moving to Maryland was my choice, but it was also my attempt to get away from Spencer. I literally moved away just so I wouldn't have to come home everyday and hope that I would see him standing at the other door when I got home. The most horrible part in all of it was that incredibly brief nature of this interaction. What I understand even less is why I blamed myself for it, and why I lowered myself to basically begging him to take me back after HE was the one who blew ME off for some other girl after we slept together, and then didn't call me for 2 days. What a pussy. So I felt deeply for him because he treated me than I was accustomed to given the fact that the only boy I had seriously dated before him didn't even have his own car or a job, and before that I was 17 and had no idea what a gentleman was supposed to look like. I think I'm still trying to figure that out.
Which brings me to the present.
As I am contemplating what my next move is, I am once again asking myself, why do you want this? Why Florida? Why now? Is it worth it? Why do I REALLY want to go?
I think back to last year when Josh first came back into the picture. I was intoxicated by the way he made me feel. I wanted to continue feeling like I was special to someone ( which since he had a g/f at the time should have been clue #1 that it was a bad idea.) In less time than his prior, Josh proved to be exactly the same as Spencer, except that Josh cut me out completely. And I had accepted all the things that had happened. I accepted the fact that he had a girlfriend and was still trying to get adjusted after 5 years in the military. I actually convinced myself that he liked me for something more than just body parts. Really it was my own fault for that because I should have known better. We talked so much about so many things and it took me to a place where I glowed because someone wanted to LISTEN to me.
Now, I don't know why I liked him, or like him. I imagine that I lied to myself by believing things were possible that I knew damn well could never be. I've sat and pondered it, and I have even come to terms with the facts in the place right now. There would be no chance in hell that anything could or would happen, and yet there is a part of me that is curious.
And that brings me to the here and now, and Florida.
I need to have a gut check moment before I decide that Florida is what I really want because of some reason other than the " boy I don't want." Seriously, I'm tired of being a hypocrite when it comes to what I want, what I need, and what I do.
- Well that makes things easier...-
I want to be the thing they want. " I can do that." I think to some extent, women change themselves hoping it will be enough to be something that looks like their ideal girl. Just wanting to be seen , and to retain the person, trying to convince them that we are worthwhile. We let people have value, but sometimes we let the people have too much sway. So, if not moving to Florida for a change of scenery, then it is choosing to stay here and see if anything happens with Alex. It so frustrating to feel like the sum total of your life's decisions is based around the unknown which is men, or just one in particular. It's starting. The desire.
When the one thing that is most characteristic of me, is also the the thing which most will exploit for their own advances, I can't help but feel like I'm in a lose/lose situation. It's not right that it has come down to me having to sift through the bull shit just to find out if someone actually means the shit they are saying, or if it is just a play at getting something from me.
The good ones are hard to spot, and I mean that is more than one sense. The liars who are skilled at their game play are hard to detect till its too late. And the good guys are a needle in the haystack of Affliction-clad tool bags who walk around with a false sense of entitlement, with their tiny peckers and lack-luster personalities.
But I buy into it. My belief in people blinds me at times to the ploy for panties. I want to believe what they are saying is true, and so I do, often to my own demise. I believe them because I want to believe that it could be for those things to be said in earnest about me. Every girl wants to feel love and desired by a good person who doesn't have ulterior motives. The days when men were gentlemen seem to be something preserved only in the works of Austen and Shakespeare.
Can I get a new set of choices in this multiple choice test?
