To be that which we desire.

I was thinking today about pairs. Namely, I was thinking about who I see next to me at some point in my life down the road. What does he look like, what does he do, what is he into. In my head, generally there isn't just one type of person I'm attracted to. However, the things that seem to repeat the most as far as body type, occupation, physical attributes are: someone who takes care of himself (usually pretty built/defined), I like a man of size who sort of represents a protector, military or public service tend to draw me... Maybe it's the uniforms lol. And finally eyes, no matter the color, hold some unspoken definition of the person beyond.
All that said...

When I look at the women that usually end up with the men that fit these molds ads nothing like myself. If I decided to make a change in order to potentially be a draw for them I would have to bleach my hair, lose about 15 pds, wear a mask of make up, and probably get a nose job... Haha I have to laugh because when I think about all that, it really just comes back to show. I mean I doubt that all these women have sparkling personalities and dazzling intellects that make them stimulating beyond being a statue.
So
Where does that leave me... And how do I find what really fits. The person that looks right with me. Do I have to change or do I have to change the person I'm looking for? Just food for thought.

The unbreakable bond

I wish that I could have a fulfilling love affair with music. But I guess of all my lovers, it has left me the most fulfilled in the most concrete ways.

It calms me at the end of a hard day. It ebbs away the pain of dashed dreams. It helps me to mourn, to grow, to think and consider. I curl up next to it in bed as it sings me to sleep. We take long walks and enjoy beautiful sunsets.
We can be pissed together. We can express sweet unadulterated love. We don't even need to exchange words, the message is still the same...
We have days where we don't see eye to eye and it doesn't feel like we fit, but many more days where it is true love.
Its the one thing I know I will have and will always be predictable. I know the words, the beats, the soft melodies. And the bond grows that much deeper with time and time together. Its for life.

A change is coming.

It's been far too long to try to recount everything that has happened, but what I can say is that now at the end of it all, I see nothing but positive change coming.... or at least that is what I am hoping for.

I left Indiana for a month to go and support at another location in Dallas. I thought it would be no big deal, yes it would be hard work with high standards and long days, but I never expected the kind of people I would meet when I got there. First off, let me explain that I am not an overtly social person ( which may seem completely unfounded because I choose to publish my thoughts on the internet for strangers- but that is a different beast entirely.) Each day I spent with a different person I got the chance to discover the kind of people that my company is built on, and may I just say- it's the very best kind. Granted, our location, the prestige of our project, and the level of professionalism we were expected to show all made for an almost overwhelming sense of "can I really do this?"

I've had so many thoughts about the nights spent out with strangers trying to be friends. I've thought about the impressions left on these individuals. I've considered what I wish I had done differently.... but in the end, I think the things that really needed to happen wouldn't have happened if events didn't transpire exactly as they did. That is kind of shitty in some cases, but it's humbling to know that the good do come with the bad, and at the end of the day unless you are proud to put your stamp on that day and call it a success, than it's your own fault for not trying harder.

So now that I have left and come back I am faced with some very strange. It's my home but it doesn't feel right. Like everything has been thrown in the air and I'm waiting to see which cards land face up. I feel like a move is going to happen. I think there is going to be a change of position coming. and most of all I feel like there will be continued growth now that I know what I am fully capable of. All good things... even though they are uncertain.

The aptly unnamed love story.

Life goes along till it doesn't anymore. There is little rhyme or reason why things happen in the timing that they do; but they do happen often when we least expect it.

It's such a cliche love story of the boy who meets the girl under the awning in the rain. They bump shoulders in their rush and slowly their eyes meet. One can almost hear the corny symphonic chords over which the seemingly infatuated strangers exchange their first words: "Excuse me.""Forgive me, that rain came out of no where." (COME ON! Even when black and white movies were made they could still have an idea that is was going to rain. Otherwise, why else would they be wearing a rain coat and carrying an umbrella? FASCINATING.) All "romance" aside, how does a chance meeting under a tree/awning/staircase make for any kind of actual love? The movie producers and smut authors have been filling our heads with ideas about what it should look like when we fall in love. The perfectly quaffed hair, and impeccable charm and whit presented with a perfect smile. If it really was as simple as stepping into a coincidentally "romantic" situation, I would have been married to some stranger years ago and been living in a world of fantasy.

I've wondered a lot about the true state of happiness of those who rush into marriage or a relationship with someone. I realize that for most people matters of the heart are better left to "fate" and "chance," but where is the consideration in that? Now, I won't pretend that I'm completely immune to some of the prescribed nonsense when it comes to love, but I would hope that by now that I have learned that someone worth my love is still going to have flaws and things about them that I don't like. I've been told it's all about managing expectations. I'm far enough in life now that the first wave of marriages have happened, and now we have entered the time when couples who have only been together a year or so are ending their marriages. Divorced at 24. How does that happen? Did they miss the memo that it takes work and mutuality to make a relationship really last? Could it have been prevented if they had done something different? It doesn't make sense to blame them for their choices entirely, especially given the environment in which some of these relationships started. The euphoria of holding hands walking across campus, sneaking into campus apartments, and being that couple that exemplified what it meant to be committed to each other. The spectacle is done. There isn't an audience anymore, there is just each other, and what's left doesn't sustain their individual wants and needs.

What they wanted wasn't real. At least not real in the sense that they could make it happen with their current arrangement. The happiness they had wasn't real.

BUT.. and there is a but to this story.... because their has to be a way it can be REAL and SUCCEED....

The love stories that I have seen succeed weren't the ones where there was no conflict, no expectation. It was the ones that continue to grow and change. It's the ones that take the time to understand how their relationship works. It's the ones that make it priority to understand what is needed for each and from each for it to be equally satisfying. Candid conversations about uncomfortable topics, unfettered loyalty, and confident assurance that what they bring to the pair is more than enough to make it fruitful. To me, that's what real love looks like. Not really glamorous or obscenely romantic, but it's real. It doesn't look the same for everyone one, so it hard to name it one thing. So I guess for now, it will be the same kind of inconsistency which makes the real love stories that last.

Skin

It's the one thing we can't hide behind. We cover it in paint and ink. We wear our scars. Tender touch grazes the surfaces and suddenly even the hairs stand with the electricity. It holds us together. It bundles our insides in a mobile package. It's the largest organ, but the one most forgotten.

For some, showing skin is their sign of confidence. They flaunt their perceived perfection. Adorned in with body jewelry. Bare arms and legs are worn as a proud armor instead of the delicate and perceptive tissue which it is. It seduces on lookers with its attractive attributes. For some the simple flawless natures of their complexion draws in their intended audience. Where as there are still others who choose their own decoration. The exotic and original nature of tattoos bore on arm/leg/side intoxicate the imagination. The surface itself changes to accommodate its new companion. It traces patterns and pictures all over the otherwise untouched canvas. The sleeves of designs all mesh together to make a colorful camouflage, hugging every curve. Some people mask their bodies in permanent artwork, allowing dreams to strike a frozen pose on their forearm.

For those who understand skin to be a source of lust and seduction, the pious conceal. The women covered head to toe, saved for their eyes, reserve their skin for one person's eyes: their husband's. It's sacred and precious to see a woman " in the flesh" as it might be called.

For those who know me best, I think any one of them might describe me as quite modest. Making my body a spectacle has not ever been high on my priority list. The big picture comes down to knowing that seeing something all the time doesn't make it special to see in private, or even to be seen at all. I've come to understand the delicate balance of prude, modesty, sultry, and inviting.

In the months of hibernation that come with living in the midwest, I've considered finding fake sun just to warm my skin and eb away the dreary cold of winter. Feeling the warm glow giving off heat. It's even better when you can share it with someone. The skin to skin transfer of warmth. It's like a human heater.

call me crazy.

Its the new go-to adjective that most people pick to describe me these days. I don't entirely disagree. Lord knows I don't know what the fuck is going to come out of my mouth sometimes, but at least I accept that. It's difficult sometimes to feel at home in your own skin. Sitting in the bed you made for yourself. (Insert more cliche sayings about self-confidence/ attraction/relationships.)

The real reason... that there hasn't been someone is because I think its selfish to bring someone into my life when I don't have things for myself handled. Doesn't mean I don't get lonely or want a body instead of a pillow in my bed, but I just don't think it's fair to ask that of someone.

I made that mistake once...

He got only the very worst leftover parts of me in that relationship, and it wasn't right of me to assume that he should be just fine with me being the way I was. It's only been in retrospect that I saw this, and since then, I've been a lot more reserved. At least, when it comes to diving into a relationship with someone.

Sometimes I lose myself cause I want to be the thing that someone wants.. and just that someone only. The rest of the world might very well just melt away. But most of the time, I start to see the humanity, stop making excuses, remove the rose colored glasses and see the person with just as many flaws as me. And just like every other encounter, sometimes it stays progressive, sometimes it doesn't. There is only so much that will change with conscious effort.

There are times when all the words from loved ones swirl in around my head and I find myself more lost and confused than I was before I ever brought it to them. I value good advice so long as it isn't paired with evidence the contrary.

I value making the mistakes more than the advice. It's the only way I seem to absorb the real impact of my actions. have to get burned to know fire is hot.

I don't really know where that leaves me to everyone else, but like I said, when I know, I'll know.

Somewhere Between

For as long as I can remember, I have heard people say that one of the best ways to keep moving forward is to have a goal or something that they are setting their eyes on. You know, the person that spends all their free time studying because they are fixated on the goal of getting into an Ivy league school, or the person that is fixed on spiritual perfection- keeping always their eyes on God.

I don't know about anyone else, but to me it seems like somethings are missed when there is that kind of unflappable dedication. I mean, its admirable and idealistic, but where's the humanity in it?

Lately I have been wondering what my focus has been. If I took a survey of my friends and co-workers I feel like any of these things would be included in their responses: boys who may be too young/ immature for me to be spending time on; moving to texas; boy who is perfect in every other way except that he can't materialize; promotion; going back to school; etc. Now, all of these are pretty legit, at least I would think so being that Im a single 25 year old female.

It feels like there has been this shift in something. What used to work, doesn't work anymore. It's almost like it's just strange for me to be me. I know that is ludicrous that things would just all of a sudden be that much different, and really they probably aren't, but it feels like I can't quite get a handle on them.

When I was in school, I didn't have to spend time really concerning myself with anything but passing my classes. I made time to break free and be a kid while I still had time. Ha, everyone that I have talked to that is in the same place I am now always talks about how much faster the "working" years go, rather than the "school" years which seemed to be balanced and metered and even tedious at times. I try to find things to fill my time. I don't have assignments and projects to finish any more. It's almost like Im done moving forward. I know that there will be other things that will happen from here. I know life doesn't end when school ends. So much of what anyone gets from the time they have, is equaled to what they put into it. What they allow it to be for them. The last 2 years have been a time to figure out how to be an adult for myself. As much as I want to say that I have it figured out.. I don't. I used to love limbo, but right now if feels more like I'm just stuck between two destinations. Not a kid. Not an adult. Not a partner. Not a parent.

Hmmm... still somethings to think about with this one. I'll get back to it when I can.