To be that which we desire.

I was thinking today about pairs. Namely, I was thinking about who I see next to me at some point in my life down the road. What does he look like, what does he do, what is he into. In my head, generally there isn't just one type of person I'm attracted to. However, the things that seem to repeat the most as far as body type, occupation, physical attributes are: someone who takes care of himself (usually pretty built/defined), I like a man of size who sort of represents a protector, military or public service tend to draw me... Maybe it's the uniforms lol. And finally eyes, no matter the color, hold some unspoken definition of the person beyond.
All that said...

When I look at the women that usually end up with the men that fit these molds ads nothing like myself. If I decided to make a change in order to potentially be a draw for them I would have to bleach my hair, lose about 15 pds, wear a mask of make up, and probably get a nose job... Haha I have to laugh because when I think about all that, it really just comes back to show. I mean I doubt that all these women have sparkling personalities and dazzling intellects that make them stimulating beyond being a statue.
So
Where does that leave me... And how do I find what really fits. The person that looks right with me. Do I have to change or do I have to change the person I'm looking for? Just food for thought.

The unbreakable bond

I wish that I could have a fulfilling love affair with music. But I guess of all my lovers, it has left me the most fulfilled in the most concrete ways.

It calms me at the end of a hard day. It ebbs away the pain of dashed dreams. It helps me to mourn, to grow, to think and consider. I curl up next to it in bed as it sings me to sleep. We take long walks and enjoy beautiful sunsets.
We can be pissed together. We can express sweet unadulterated love. We don't even need to exchange words, the message is still the same...
We have days where we don't see eye to eye and it doesn't feel like we fit, but many more days where it is true love.
Its the one thing I know I will have and will always be predictable. I know the words, the beats, the soft melodies. And the bond grows that much deeper with time and time together. Its for life.

A change is coming.

It's been far too long to try to recount everything that has happened, but what I can say is that now at the end of it all, I see nothing but positive change coming.... or at least that is what I am hoping for.

I left Indiana for a month to go and support at another location in Dallas. I thought it would be no big deal, yes it would be hard work with high standards and long days, but I never expected the kind of people I would meet when I got there. First off, let me explain that I am not an overtly social person ( which may seem completely unfounded because I choose to publish my thoughts on the internet for strangers- but that is a different beast entirely.) Each day I spent with a different person I got the chance to discover the kind of people that my company is built on, and may I just say- it's the very best kind. Granted, our location, the prestige of our project, and the level of professionalism we were expected to show all made for an almost overwhelming sense of "can I really do this?"

I've had so many thoughts about the nights spent out with strangers trying to be friends. I've thought about the impressions left on these individuals. I've considered what I wish I had done differently.... but in the end, I think the things that really needed to happen wouldn't have happened if events didn't transpire exactly as they did. That is kind of shitty in some cases, but it's humbling to know that the good do come with the bad, and at the end of the day unless you are proud to put your stamp on that day and call it a success, than it's your own fault for not trying harder.

So now that I have left and come back I am faced with some very strange. It's my home but it doesn't feel right. Like everything has been thrown in the air and I'm waiting to see which cards land face up. I feel like a move is going to happen. I think there is going to be a change of position coming. and most of all I feel like there will be continued growth now that I know what I am fully capable of. All good things... even though they are uncertain.