call me crazy.

Its the new go-to adjective that most people pick to describe me these days. I don't entirely disagree. Lord knows I don't know what the fuck is going to come out of my mouth sometimes, but at least I accept that. It's difficult sometimes to feel at home in your own skin. Sitting in the bed you made for yourself. (Insert more cliche sayings about self-confidence/ attraction/relationships.)

The real reason... that there hasn't been someone is because I think its selfish to bring someone into my life when I don't have things for myself handled. Doesn't mean I don't get lonely or want a body instead of a pillow in my bed, but I just don't think it's fair to ask that of someone.

I made that mistake once...

He got only the very worst leftover parts of me in that relationship, and it wasn't right of me to assume that he should be just fine with me being the way I was. It's only been in retrospect that I saw this, and since then, I've been a lot more reserved. At least, when it comes to diving into a relationship with someone.

Sometimes I lose myself cause I want to be the thing that someone wants.. and just that someone only. The rest of the world might very well just melt away. But most of the time, I start to see the humanity, stop making excuses, remove the rose colored glasses and see the person with just as many flaws as me. And just like every other encounter, sometimes it stays progressive, sometimes it doesn't. There is only so much that will change with conscious effort.

There are times when all the words from loved ones swirl in around my head and I find myself more lost and confused than I was before I ever brought it to them. I value good advice so long as it isn't paired with evidence the contrary.

I value making the mistakes more than the advice. It's the only way I seem to absorb the real impact of my actions. have to get burned to know fire is hot.

I don't really know where that leaves me to everyone else, but like I said, when I know, I'll know.

Somewhere Between

For as long as I can remember, I have heard people say that one of the best ways to keep moving forward is to have a goal or something that they are setting their eyes on. You know, the person that spends all their free time studying because they are fixated on the goal of getting into an Ivy league school, or the person that is fixed on spiritual perfection- keeping always their eyes on God.

I don't know about anyone else, but to me it seems like somethings are missed when there is that kind of unflappable dedication. I mean, its admirable and idealistic, but where's the humanity in it?

Lately I have been wondering what my focus has been. If I took a survey of my friends and co-workers I feel like any of these things would be included in their responses: boys who may be too young/ immature for me to be spending time on; moving to texas; boy who is perfect in every other way except that he can't materialize; promotion; going back to school; etc. Now, all of these are pretty legit, at least I would think so being that Im a single 25 year old female.

It feels like there has been this shift in something. What used to work, doesn't work anymore. It's almost like it's just strange for me to be me. I know that is ludicrous that things would just all of a sudden be that much different, and really they probably aren't, but it feels like I can't quite get a handle on them.

When I was in school, I didn't have to spend time really concerning myself with anything but passing my classes. I made time to break free and be a kid while I still had time. Ha, everyone that I have talked to that is in the same place I am now always talks about how much faster the "working" years go, rather than the "school" years which seemed to be balanced and metered and even tedious at times. I try to find things to fill my time. I don't have assignments and projects to finish any more. It's almost like Im done moving forward. I know that there will be other things that will happen from here. I know life doesn't end when school ends. So much of what anyone gets from the time they have, is equaled to what they put into it. What they allow it to be for them. The last 2 years have been a time to figure out how to be an adult for myself. As much as I want to say that I have it figured out.. I don't. I used to love limbo, but right now if feels more like I'm just stuck between two destinations. Not a kid. Not an adult. Not a partner. Not a parent.

Hmmm... still somethings to think about with this one. I'll get back to it when I can.

Amy 7.0

There are so many times when I wish that someone could get the version of me that someone else has seen. You know the saying, put your best foot forward, I wish it could be that when it mattered that I could be that best version of myself that is the perfect harmony of all the best parts I have to offer. But it doesn't work like that. And what's more is that more than half of what makes up someone's mind about me, has nothing to do with me, but more to do with that they perceive from me.

It's all relative.

To one person, I am a very caring and loving friend. To another, I am a selfish bitch that needs to get my ass kicked. Both have their reasons for coming to those conclusions, so in the long run, both are right (in their ways.) Both are based on some kind of input from me, but also is informed by their experiences with other people in similar situations.

Different person, different face.

I have a friend that has been documenting all these faces from times and places, with different people.

If I had my choice, the "Amy" I would be all the time would be the long haired, soft spoke, spunky, artsy chick in jeans and a tee-shirt. I wouldn't feel a need to say everything at inappropriate moments. I could just hang out with the people I love and care about, and the rest would just be details. I could be the easy-going, easy to talk to girl, who doesn't judge or hate no matter what. I would be able to find the right words when the time came. I wouldn't apologize unless I had real reason.... plus I'd ride a bad ass bike and be covered in beautiful artwork.. hahaha

Now Im not saying I'm never this girl.. Im just not usually this to one person, all at once. (and, you know, not covering in ink and hurling myself down the hwy at 160.) So.. experiment time!!! This Gluten-free, sometimes vegan, sometimes Vegetarian Michigan girl is going to stop being so damn worried about stupid shit, and just do me. I like it better when I can do that. I don't why it seems like it needs to be such a stretch.

You can be simple without being easy.. haha I get it now. :)

Ohhhh back to school, Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a Fool.

I've known for a while that if I ever wanted a shot at doing what I love to do, that I would have to go back to school either for a more specialized education in art handling or business (or both.) I think I have finally reached the point where I know that if I want to do something other than clothing retail in the next 5 years that I need to go back to school for business administration and management. Seeing as I also have bills to pay ( though going back to school will give me a break from paying on loans for a while *perk*) I will most likely have to work full time and go back to school. I have the benefit to have some really good schools within driving distance and a job that will allow me to work around a class schedule... so it seems like all the pieces are in place, I just need to make the steps to make it happen.

Work full time. School full time. That is something I have never done. But I think it would be different this time around, given that most of my work will be book work, and not sitting at a canvas for 3 hours. No cop-outs this time. No bullshitting my way through business law or accounting. Maybe that is what I have been most afraid of. Being unqualified. Not being up to snuff. Which I know is very wasteful because I have a great head for most things business.

Why I didn't choose it the first time around, I have no idea, but what I know is that it is something I can do which will provide for me in a way that I don't see art doing for me in this lifetime.

So.... I'm applying to Kelly School of Business with IUPUI and Falls School of Business with AU. What? This may be so crazy, but sometimes the things that make the least sense at first make the most difference in the end. I guess we'll see what happens.

The Other Girl Friends pt.2

I thought I could get all the threads out in one go, but it seems like there is still something bothering me about this one thing...

Recently I had an encounter of the female to female kind. This other female is the current girlfriend of one of my ex-boyfriends with whom I spoke from time to time. Call me unconventional or masochistic, but it's really hard for me to dispense of people even when they deserve it. ( but that is neither here nor there.) In any case, I received a text from her saying that someone had sent her my phone number and told her she needed to talk to me. ( Talk about a WTF moment.) Being that it was never my intention to be a reason for her to doubt the man in her life (who is also the father of the child she is carrying,) I met her with just as much surprise as she received when she got a text telling her that the man of her dreams was stepping out...

THIS RIGHT HERE IS WHAT I HAVE TRIED TO AVOID FOR YEARS.

I freely offered her information, with apologies and candor, hoping that we could get to the bottom of whatever was happening. I've never felt more like the other woman (though there were no shenanigans to speak of on the part of her partner and I.) Putting myself in her shoes and defending the guy who in all reality has not been a good friend for a long time... its just a lot of actions all in one play that don't seem to make any logical sense as far as self-preservation is concerned.

This one story speaks greatly to the rest.

Trying to be respectful of one another requires a higher commitment than just a promise and a word. It's almost like once someone has entered into a relationship, it can often be seen as something that begins to absorb all other parts of them and their independent lives. Friends, interests, free time, values, longings; they meld into one. It makes sense when people talk about 2 becoming 1 in a marriage, because by the time they reach the alter, most people have changed into a compilation of the people they were on their own, the person they are with their partner, and the person they became afterward. That's not to say it is a negative thing to meld with someone. Shit, we all thrive on the prospect of striking a chemistry with someone that fills us up in a way that nothing else seems to match...

Chemistry. That's it.

It's the one thing we can still have together, without being together. Now I know that some naive person is going to criticize me for saying this, but whether or not anyone will admit it, the opposite-sex friends that we keep around have some kind of draw for us. Some would call it a Freudian response to attraction, but we like to keep the company we like. Whatever it looks like, and whatever it has to be for it to still be. Sometimes that means settling for less than stellar guy friends who are pussy-whipped and forget that even though he have boobs, we can still hang out. Other times it means settling for being friends because we can't be anything else. I know it isn't as cut and draw as that in real life. Most things are not that simple to explain away. Friendships, relationships, attraction, interactions... these are things people have been spending the whole of human existence trying to understand and explain. (And they are still trying, which doesn't make much sense to me.)

The Other Girl Friend.

Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl, and they were madly in love. They lived their fairly tale, and were content with what they shared. The boy also had a friend who was a girl.

Why does this story sound so strange? It's even difficult for me to find words to make it sound as it should. Being the other girl Friend. In the most recent years ( and even when I was younger) it was difficult for me to keep any of my friends that were gents, because as soon as they had a lady, they turned into ghosts. I'm still trying to decide if this is a choice or if it is instinct. In either case, I think actions are taken preemptive to try to avoid alienating the girlfriend.

In my experience, since a good chunk of my friends don't share my genitalia, its constantly a dance trying to figure out how I fit or if I fit into their lives once their love is spent on the woman of their dreams. Personally, I think it's healthy for men and women who are together to have friendships with someone other than their partner because it can bring perspective that one would not otherwise gain without an outside opinion.

HOWEVER...

Being that I'm a female (and a Libra), I can understand the concerns one may face when her boyfriend has a girl friend. Whether or not I would ever fess up to it, I will admit here and now that it doesn't matter the platonic nature of the relationship ( or how "unattractive" he may claim her to be) I will always compare myself to her. I'm sure guys do the same with other guys from time to time ( or at least once in their lives.) It's human nature to compare and contrast. Its our hope as we sit alongside that the other girl friend won't become the girlfriend.

So the grand question is... can it work?
I think people are usually quick to say yes to this question because they want to believe that they are different in how they manage their time in relationship to their relationships, but they really aren't. Consciously or subconsciously, adjustments are made according to a lot of unspoken stimuli and examination of what is happening to them with their Girl and their girl. If they don't feel a balance can be maintained( or their need are being met solely by their girlfriend) having a girl friend become obsolete. The chick in the tee drinking beer and watching football on your couch eating a steak, is now not the girl friend, but the girlfriend and you alone.

Although, I know the tension it causes to have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex when one has a partner, it seems like that balances out more when BOTH PARTIES have a significant other.

This is one delicate balance I still haven't quite figured out.. so if anyone has an insight, lay some knowledge on me.