Somewhere Between

For as long as I can remember, I have heard people say that one of the best ways to keep moving forward is to have a goal or something that they are setting their eyes on. You know, the person that spends all their free time studying because they are fixated on the goal of getting into an Ivy league school, or the person that is fixed on spiritual perfection- keeping always their eyes on God.

I don't know about anyone else, but to me it seems like somethings are missed when there is that kind of unflappable dedication. I mean, its admirable and idealistic, but where's the humanity in it?

Lately I have been wondering what my focus has been. If I took a survey of my friends and co-workers I feel like any of these things would be included in their responses: boys who may be too young/ immature for me to be spending time on; moving to texas; boy who is perfect in every other way except that he can't materialize; promotion; going back to school; etc. Now, all of these are pretty legit, at least I would think so being that Im a single 25 year old female.

It feels like there has been this shift in something. What used to work, doesn't work anymore. It's almost like it's just strange for me to be me. I know that is ludicrous that things would just all of a sudden be that much different, and really they probably aren't, but it feels like I can't quite get a handle on them.

When I was in school, I didn't have to spend time really concerning myself with anything but passing my classes. I made time to break free and be a kid while I still had time. Ha, everyone that I have talked to that is in the same place I am now always talks about how much faster the "working" years go, rather than the "school" years which seemed to be balanced and metered and even tedious at times. I try to find things to fill my time. I don't have assignments and projects to finish any more. It's almost like Im done moving forward. I know that there will be other things that will happen from here. I know life doesn't end when school ends. So much of what anyone gets from the time they have, is equaled to what they put into it. What they allow it to be for them. The last 2 years have been a time to figure out how to be an adult for myself. As much as I want to say that I have it figured out.. I don't. I used to love limbo, but right now if feels more like I'm just stuck between two destinations. Not a kid. Not an adult. Not a partner. Not a parent.

Hmmm... still somethings to think about with this one. I'll get back to it when I can.