With the impending change of turning 25 which I know to some seems like an eternity down the road, and to others it seems like just yesterday, but to me it marks an end of something. It happens for everyone sooner or later. It's that moment when one realizes that she is no longer just drifting. I don't want to drift any more. It has been a continual revealing of just how much I had left all the things about my life, in someone elses hands. There was no consideration when I chose to study art ( though I tried to sound like it was absolutely the one thing that would make my life complete, when really it just happened to something I was mediocre at, and thought to myself, "I might have a future in art because I suck at this the least of everything else." Someone please tell me how that was good reasoning? Thank God I chose a school that actually valued the education that they gave to their students. It gave me the shot at possibly getting things I never knew mattered to me (IE: grad school, or a MFA in Art history or Art Administration, or some other of the sort.) But for the here and now, I've chosen to make something where there was nothing.
I have come upon that moment when there needs to be a change, otherwise inevitably I'll end up married to the second man to ask, with 4 kids, no life of my own and nothing by lost dreams and soccer mom hair. I do want some version of that reality, but not here, not now. I've gone for too long without those things which keep me centered. Love, Affection, Water, Surf, Sand, and Sunshine. I was glaringly obvious when I finally went home for longer than 2 days that weren't full of shitty weather, and I ached for what I had been missing. It is inexplicable how much shit can transpire, but as long as I had a place to go, things don't seem so terrible.
A while ago I was circling around this same idea- that is the idea to move to Florida- and its clear now that the reasons for going are much grander and more elaborate than a misguided crush... its about finding a place that makes ME happy. For once in my life, I'm going to be fucking selfish and say that I want to live on the beach. I want to have water. I want to have the option to watch a coastal sunrise and sunset in the same day. I want a tan that doesn't come from a bottle. I want to feel the heat on my skin and the breeze across my face. I want to feel like I'm not floating along according to fate's agenda for my life.
It happens for everyone... that moment when they decide that they want to have a LIFE not just a series of days. I want to own my life, and love each day solely for the fact that I get to be around to live it. It's not something to waste wondering and putzing around hoping that maybe, just maybe, something positive or fruitful will happen. I know the small things I want. The simple pleasures that I want to be apart of my life daily. So here's to conscious change for the better. Here's to being a grown up. And here's the knowing the difference between having a life, and having pipe dreams.
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